Lazy man’s guide to grooming
If you reading this for self-improvement, you are NOT lazy enough. If you are reading this so the complaints against your lack of self-care will stop? I feel your pain and this one's for you. Before we start talking about your... unique fashion sense let’s start within, my Grasshopper.
First of all, NO shame!! We’re all forkin’ lazy and it’s ok to veg-out in front of the TV while picking lint out of your belly button. But since most of us have to work with people on a daily basis, common courtesy and an appearance that doesn’t look like a cry-for-help might be a good idea. This guide allows you to embrace the wonderful hot mess that is you without Karen from HR giving you sh*t again… Not everyone gets a wardrobe budget from their daddy, KAREN!
Ehh… sorry, sorry... back to grooming 101! :D
Wash your body
Wash your hair (if you have any)
Brush your teeth
Wash your body
If you don’t sweat daily nor have a strong BO, showering every 2-3 days is actually fine. But if people already avoiding you due to your man-musk, get your a** in that shower every day. Morning, night (or both) is up to you, my suggestion is to shower before bed if you sweat more at your job or do it in the morning if you sweat more during your sleep.
Wash your hair
Hair doesn’t need to be washed every day either, it’s actually good to wash every other day to keep its natural oil. But going without washing for too long, it will tangle and cause your hair to fall out. (which with lead to doctor’s visit, pharmacies, specialists… ain’t nobody got time for that)
Pro tip: Don’t concern yourself with learning all diff. types of shower gels, shampoos, conditioners, etc... Certain chemicals in soap actually cause your skin to be dry because while washing away dirt, they also get rid of your natural oil. (read more on that) Most of the time, you can just shower with warm water.
There are times you’ll need to use soap, I suggest getting an all-in-one soap bar with natural ingredients (paraben free ones). Not only can you wash your hair and body, some will also hydrate your skin so you can skip the lotion too. (Not that you are using it in the first place. lol)
Sounds too fancy for ya? WRONG! If you want to be lazy, do it right! Ain’t nothing can be less hassle than all-in-one stuff that washes everything and wouldn’t cause you annoying health problems later on! Also, you deserve the good stuff that makes your skin all fine, locks in moisture, smelling all natural and sh*t! Where to find it? Dude! I’m not gonna do everything for you. Google it!
Scratch (Not trying to be funny on this)
Commonly, dry skin causes itchiness. (if you don’t have a rash or a health condition) Scratching is our primal way to get rid of those dead skin, it helps to exfoliate your skin and it feels damn good... However, it can be quite uncomfortable if you are itchy all the time. So hydrate! Use a good natural lotion after the shower or you know, use one of those bar thingy I mentioned.
Done washing? Brush your teeth!
Stop skipping this step. (Don’t lie to me...) Don’t brush too hard either, doing that will hurt your gum and gum DOES NOT grow back. Seriously, try not to skip this daily step, I don’t need to remind you what happened at your dentist last time.
Pro tip: Scrape the top of your tongue with your teeth as you brush. (Food particles get stuck in the grooves of your tongue which can contribute to Dragon Breath)
Now get out of the shower. Dry off. No more clean towels? Just Shake it off and air dry! Don’t grab that dirty one, using a smelling towel defeat the purpose of your shower. (That applies to that dirty T-shirt as well, smh)
Almost there, grab the deodorant!
No one expects you to smell like a bed of roses but didn’t mean you need to share your man-roma with everyone either. Your special brand of funk is likely caused by bacteria acting up with your sweat; the goal is to keep that in check, simple.
Don’t think you need this step? You could be rite, then again some of us can’t smell our own scent. You could find an honest friend and ask oooor.. just gamble. Maybe your blind date really HAD to leave early and go ‘feed her hamster’?
So there are powders, sticks, sprays, roll-ons, blah blah blah... Again, no need to learn all that. I suggest to grab the Crystal Stone, it’s pretty much a mineral salt block - kills odor, leaving no streaks nor scent. Depending on the person, this might take a bit to become effective so don’t worry if it doesn’t seem to work at first. (read more about it ) NOTE: It’s not for everyone and there are talks on its pros and cons, do google it if you want to dive deeper! :D
Pro tip: If you need advance grooming advice, ask a friend who might know more about this kinda stuff. I know what you’re thinking, ask your gay friend. Sure, but don’t ask him cause he’s gay, ask cause he looks sharp and keeps it tight.
I feel there’s extra pressure for gay men to know all about grooming, it’s like assuming all Asians are good at math. (some of us cheat off other Asians). Not every man can be the Fab 5 from Queer Eye, they are experts and that’s why they have a show!
Now let’s all be lazy, more efficiently.